May 2006

Out of the Darkness

Out of the darkness comes a familiar old friend

An ache tearing me apart, afraid there will be no end.

To this grief, it is coming, it hovers close by.

I sense its presence, it enters with a sigh.

I sit up in bed, I’m covered with sweat.

Fear grips my heart, my face it is wet.

With tears overflowing, I can’t hold them in,

I knew this was coming, this game I can’t win.

I stumble out of bed, find my own private space,

Quietly sobbing, I trip in my haste.

They don’t know of this pain, the ache that tears me apart.

Don’t want them to worry though its breaking my heart.

And so in the darkness, I sit here and cry,

As shattered dreams whisper on by.

It happened again, crept up on me,

Yet through blinding tears, its your face that I see.

I’m humbled and proud to have called you mine,

My sweet little son who was here such a short time.

During these days, grief forces its hand

And takes me close to the business at hand.

It carries me back, breaks that invisible seal,

Until the brush of your hair on my cheek I can feel.

I’m holding you close, you’re gasping for breath,

Then they whisk you from me, for I’m suddenly near death.

Yes, I’m there once again in that hospital bed,

Crying and shaking, then, “he’s gone”, they said.

A black cloud engulfs me, I’m screaming inside.

You weren’t in my arms when your time came to die.

Regrets are for naught but grief brings them back,

And my shattered heart sobs, you didn’t deserve to die like that.

Mommy’s so sorry, we needed more time,

Should’ve been cradled in my arms, then I could have said goodbye.

Oh Josh, no one knows what’s here in my heart,

How every year grief takes me back to our start.

Doesn’t matter at all how many years it has been,

Every year grief does send me back there again.

And so as I find myself sitting here alone once again,

I’m finally accepting that my heart will never mend.

The hole left by you is a permanent ache.

It means you are mine, something no one can take.

The smell of your hair, the touch of your baby soft skin,

In the air floats around me, I take it all in.

And suddenly darling, I’m thankful for grief, that familiar old friend,

For with it I know our bond with never end.

For this pain that I feel means I love you so much,

And now when grief takes me back till I almost feel your touch,

I’ll accept the pain fully, till my heart breaks anew,

If it means just a moment of again being near you.

I love you sweet boy

And this tide of grief I will ride,

For I love you so much

And that I won’t hide.

You can find information regarding my poetry and other writing, such as who they were written for and other back stories, here.